Cold Feet

Cold Feet

I can't sleep when my feet are cold. Thus was part of the problem last night. Eventually, I did get out of bed and put socks on which helped, at least the cold feet part. Yes, it is hot here in Ohio, the hottest it has been all summer. We are blessed with central air, so I still have problems with cold feet in the dog days of summer.

Lack of sleep was also a direct result, at least partly, of everything falling apart in one week. The truck broke, brakes completely went out while Matt was turning the corner onto our road. The old black car that he drives to work muffler fell off. The lawn mower broke two different times, bearing and then the belt. We finally just borrowed my parent's mower before we had hay to bale. Then we came home last night at about 9pm from mom and dad's, and we had NO WATER!!! Matt checked some things and said that it was probably the pump, which I'm sure will be a lot of money. Even though we're in the shell-out-money-to-fix- everything mode, I refused to complain. At least too much.

I proceeded to give Matt and myself a lecture on not complaining. We have too much to be thankful for. Vietnamese who have to scavage in a garbage dump all day to make 15 cents to feed the their family and then when the go away to find more work, their daughters are kidnapped and sold into prostitution over the border into Cambodia, they have reason to complain and cry out in anguish.

Read this link to understand what some people have to endure through no fault of their own:
http://www.catalystfoundation.org/index.php?module=static&idcat=1

Of course, Matt gives me the look, 'where did all of this come from?' I've been doing a lot of reading and discovery lately, which can be a double edged sword. Does knowledge really help in all situations?

Cold feet, string of broken down objects were still not the main culprit for my body refusing sleep. My mind would not stop. It swirled around all that I have heard, read, wonder and fear about the orphanages in Vietnam. For all of you not part of the adoption world, don't be frightened. I did not discover some dark secret about Vietnamese orphanages. An orphanage in Vietnam is similar, I'm sure to those in China and Russia and whatever other country. I'm just now letting my mind wrap itself around the whole concept and all the details of a child's life in an orphanage, more specifically our children. I can't really compare our last adoption with this one. Ellayna was snuggled in a very bright, sunny, sterile orphanage filled with Korean volunteers ready to rock the babies all of which is located in a democratic industrialized nation. After two months there, she spent the next 3 months in a loving foster home. We were even able to send a care package to Korea for her. A soft yellow blanket, a musical lamby and a baby photo album filled with our pictures for her to chew all over. Even knowing all that, I still worried then, too. Now I'm thinking, why did I worry so much. That was a piece of cake to the worrying I'll be doing this time.

So what is so difficult to accept? I can deal with the idea of no diapers being used, at least our idea of diapers. Rags with little tyes are the kind of diapers used in the orphanages. Toddlers sit on little buckets certain times of the day for their potties. I can deal with babies and toddlers sleeping on nothing but a thin little reed mat laid directly on the metal crib. I know that there are very few toys. I can deal with that. Children are creative and can play with a piece of paper or empty water bottle or even a bug.

I can determine that the orphans are being fed. This is good. I knew even before starting this adoption the typical method in feeding orphans. The bottles have a large hole in the nipple which requires babies to suck fast, enabling the care givers to feed many babies in a short amount of time. Hearing descriptions of the workers shoveling food into the older babies mouths while they are tilted back, is difficult to process. I already knew the overall picture of an orphanage, but hearing it in details from people directly witnessing this is hard to process. The most difficult thing for me to think about is my child crying out and no one responding. I'm not saying this is always the case, but I do believe some workers care and some do not. Some care givers love and work diligently under long, long hours with little pay. I know that others are indifferent. Although, it is heart warming to hear about little children caring and soothing a crying baby or wiping the mouth of another orphan. I know that children are resilient, and I've heard numerous stories of babies, toddlers and children blossoming at an almost amazing rate when coming home with their parents. I don't struggle with the unknown of the future after we are already home, I wrestle with the present tense. What are my children doing right NOW? How are they? Do they need me NOW?

I find myself hoping that my children are in a good orphanage (if you can use those to terms together). More than anything, I want my children to be loved and create a bond with at least one of the 'mothers', which are what the care givers are called. Then I feel guilty hoping for this, because how many other children are in all different kind of orphanages, not just in Vietnam, but all over the world. My Grandma, who is thrilled we are adopting again, has told me more than once that, "You cannot adopt them all." I know this. Adopting for us, really isn't about saving the world. We want another child to love and care for. However, the part of me advocating for adoption is about saving all those orphans. If I can just find a home for one more.......

How will I survive the next few months?

1. Pray. Pray. Pray.
2. Being thankful for volunteers who go to Vietnam for a month to months at a time to volunteer in the orphanages.
3. Hoping that relief organizations will continue to influence and make improvements.
4. Try to focus on what I can do and not what I can't.
5. Try to convince others to adopt!!

Ps- It was our well pump. Called the hardware store at 7:30am. They were here at 8am. Finished at 10am. We have water again. Good old America, everything in reach.