struggling

I'm struggling, and it's not for lack of trying. In fact, for the last day and a half, I've done very well. I made out a list for each of the next three weeks and have been tackling it. Moving forward, one step at a time and then WHAM! I get hit. No warning. The awful feelings of waiting for that travel call start again. These aren't "Oh, I wish we could travel." It is intense feelings of desperation. There is only so long I can holdout without my babies. Yes, we knew with the adoption process that we'd be waiting, but it still doesn't make it any easier.

I've often wondered if people who have never adopted before really understand. I imagine it's like most things in life. You can't really grasp the magnitude until you're walking in those shoes. Since, I have done both: given birth and adopted internationally, I can probably describe it.

Imagine carrying your baby only to give birth and instead of holding your baby you get a handful of pictures. Then you are told in three, four or maybe five months you can travel halfway around the world to pick up your baby. In the meantime, you may get one set of new pictures or maybe not. Oh and they'll be living in an orphanage, too, carried for by people you've never met. Now at the beginning of your nine months, you knew it was going to be this way, but would it make it any easier?

Eastin turns 6 months old this week, and Kyna turns 5 months this week. I've missed all that time, and will always feel sad for that time lost. I just don't want to miss anymore.